The Fear of Acceptance

Let's go way back. In my youth, I had really bad issues about self-esteem. I always thought about how I looked. Or dressed. I was too fat. I was too dark. So naturally, while other teenager boys at the time were doing teenagery things as it relates to the opposite sex, I was basically a clam. I didn't open up to girls. Ever. Not even in a friendly sense. I had a deep fear of rejection. I always thought that the girl would LOL if I asked her out, or even talked to her. That fear stuck with me for a good while.  Nowadays, there should be no excuses. That self-esteem issue I once had is gone (mainly because I realized how unbelievably awesome I am). 

But somewhere along the line, I also realized something else. This no-relationship thing? I liked it. I actually enjoy being alone. It's so...calming. Or something. My fear of rejection turned into a fear of acceptance. I've watched seemingly great relationships end suddenly over the past few years. And while I'm not saying that it would happen to me if I were in a relationship, why risk it? For the sake of being with someone? Nah. I'll chance it.

 

I've always felt that I would be a horrible boyfriend/husband. Some people (females mostly, single ones at that.) disagree. I'll just spell some things out as to why I'd be terrible at this relationship thing:

 

• I'm a gamer. Women hate that. I'm not stopping.
• I'm fat. Women hate that. I'm working on that, but in my own time and way.
• I'm black. Rasist women hate that. I'm not bleaching.
• I love to cook...for me. Women hate that. Even though I'm going to school for cooking, it hasn't necessarily made me less selfish (which women also hate).
• I don't text/call people often. Women hate that. I'm not changing.
• I like my beard. Some women hate that. I'm not shaving. I'll shape it, and maybe trim it sometimes, but the beard stays.
• I'm honest. Women (apparently) hate that. Women also sometimes confuses honesty with being an asshole. So...I'm an asshole. Women hate that.

That last point drives me insane. Women are the most beautiful creatures on this Earth, but also the most confusing and weird and (sometimes) insane creatures on this Earth.

Woman: How does this dress look? Should I return it?
Man: It looks great. Keep it.
Woman: OMG You are such a liar! Just saying that just to be nice. WAAAAAHHH!
Man: WTF?

or...

Woman: How does this dress look? Should I return it?
Man: It looks terrible. Take it back.
Woman: OMG You are such as asshole! Why would you say that. WAAAAAHHH!
Man: WTF?

Sometimes, there's no way to win. I lie, I lose. I tell the truth, I lose. Why would I even take the risk of being apart of that? Not saying with 100% certainty that it would happen, and I know there are really good, non-tempermental women out there where this wouldn't happen (too much). But any number over 0% makes it risky.

There are maybe 2 (maybe) females right now in my life where I can see possibly being in a relationship (maybe!), but that's so iffy that I don't bother progressing with anything. So what do I look for in a woman? Nothing, really. That woman doesn't really exist. So I'll stick to myself. It's cheaper that way.

P.S. I also have to bring this up. About 6-7 years ago, when I've lived in North Carolina with my sister, there was a friend of hers that would swear on a Bible that I was unquestionably gay. She thought that I loved the ballet (LOL). If she saw this article she would use it for her case. Remember earlier when I said that "women are the most beautiful creatures on this Earth"? I mean that. I'll join the KKK and start lynching black people before I become attracted to a man. So basically...

"The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. It's like a Jeep."
- Elaine Benes (of Seinfeld)