Thursday, April 28, 2016

The Internal Conflict

I've mentioned about four previous times in this blog about being single. I'm about to make it five, but this time I need to go a little more in depth.

"You're such a great guy. Why/how are you single?"

I absolutely hate that loaded question. It's a stupid question. I especially hate when single women ask it. Makes me rage.

You wanna know why I'm single? I'll give you four main reasons:
  • A majority of women don't want a great guy. Or rather, they want a great guy that looks great and has a six-pack and has a great job and a car and their own house and... I could go on forever.
  • I'm ugly. That statement has nothing to do with low self-esteem, either. It's just the truth. This goes hand in hand with point one. It's all physical attraction nowadays. If women started looking beyond the physical just once and realize that I'm literally the greatest human of all time, I probably wouldn't be writing this post.
  • I don't feel like having to work at least twice as hard as the good looking guy. I shouldn't have to. But they'd rather have a shitty, sexy guy rather than a good, ugly guy.
  • I'm painfully honest. That's not liked these days either. I will tell you that you look like crap in that dress. I'd rather be honest than to protect feelings. Protecting feelings literally equals lying. Can't do it. Won't do it.
I need to expand a little on that 2nd point. The "ugly" thing. This is something that I've known for a very long time. There was a point in time where I was very self-conscious about my looks. But that was when I was 14 or 15. Since then, I've accepted it. And yet, I've become what I (and some people) believe to be a great person. People have called me "handsome", which then makes me go "...really?" If you truly, truly believe that, then I respect you having an opinion. But your opinion is wrong. Stupid, really.

But there seems to be in internal struggle starting to happen. A struggle between being single and not being single anymore. It has never manifested to this level ever. And I have no idea how to fix it. I do and don't want to be in the relationship. And I don't have the mental makeup for the "sow your wild oats" thing. It sucks. I feel like a can't do the OKCupid thing. My profile would be full of so much asshole-filled sarcasm it would break the website. And I feel like I'd have to be a different person on a date. I'm not saying that this would be completely true, but it's likely.

July 17th, 2015 was a great day because it proved that it's totally possible that someone, somehow would somewhat like me for me (although, alcohol). But it's so sporadic when those opportunities arise. And yes, going out more would also help, and I am working on that. And I'm going to do some losing-weight activities this summer because, potato chips. And I need to be a healthier person for any potential significant other. I get that. But even when (I said when, not if!) I lose that weight, my face will still be my face. The face your God gave me. Take it up with him. In the meantime, we'll see what happens. I stay single, great.  A girl comes and changes my earth, great. I'm prepared either way.

Am I?

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Top 10: Appreciation Edition

I was looking over my posts and I'm starting to  realizing that a majority of them seem...not so positive. There are many things that make me rage, but I never give credit to the things in life that I actually like. The people. The places. The whatever. So this is what this is. Ten things I appreciate. And I could list cliché things like my mother, or  certain family members, or friends. But that would be too easy. I appreciate them. It's just that this would be a very boring post otherwise. So, in no particular order:

1. Salmon
I'm starting to notice that there are people that hate salmon. Not just dislike. Just absolutely loathe it. Why? For what? This fish is too good. There are other great fish to eat, but salmon is on a different level. I just cooked a piece a couple of days ago. Pan seared then baked then devoured. Ridiculous. Salmon is love. Salmon is life. Stop hatin'.

2. Alonzo Lerone
YouTube has its fair share of greatness. And I watch a lot of different channels (like this one, or this one, and yes, even this one). But Alonzo's videos are appreciated more for me simply because he makes fun of the dumb of social media. The misspellings. The bad grammar. The complete misuse of words. Get a dictionary! He's funny as hell. We must do better, but until that point, I'll keep watching him. You should too.

3. Snow/Cold Weather
If you live in the Boston area you know that we all almost died due to the blizzards of last year, so I know that some would consider me "fucking insane". But I have always loved the snow. And the cold that comes with it. Even if there was no snow and all cold, that works too. Even if I have to shovel. Some people have said that I feel this way because I don't have to drive in it. This may very well be the case. But until then, blizzard away, Mother Nature. Blizzard away.

4. Kendrick Lamar
Simply put, he's the best rapper in the business right now. Its not even close (LOL Drake). He's a perfect blend of lyrical prowess, performance, and message. He represents hope, not only in rap, but in the black community as well. If (big IF) I ever have a child, I may have to name it Kendrick. Boy or girl. Doesn't matter. Kendricka if it's a girl, maybe. Am I obsessed? No, right? Definitely not.

5. Single Life
This is why Kendrick or Kendricka or K-Dot Williams may never exist. I still love the fact that I'm not involved in any relationship. It's still so refreshing. Y'all women sometimes know how y'all are. I don't have to explain. It would have to take The Miracle of All Miracles for me to change my mind. Odds are low, though.

6. Bob's Burgers
Secretly one of the greatest animated shows ever. Fox has had some great animated programming in the past, but nothing has been better than Bob's (maybe other than early Family Guy and early Simpsons. MAYBE). The characters have this sense of "real" the other shows don't really have. This has been my reason for using Netflix. #LouiseBelcher

7. Thursdays
I know that Friday, Saturday, or Sunday are more popular days of the week, but Thursdays are great because you know the week is almost over. Other than the week being actually over, there's no better feeling than knowing it's coming to an end. Plus, I can't put the word Thirsty in front of Tuesday. Imagine that. Thirsty Tuesdays. How stupid does that sound?

8. Cookouts
Grilling. People. Beer. Great weather. I mean, I really don't have to say anything else. So I won't. #July2nd

9. Jamaican Accents
There's something amazing about the way a Jamaican talks that I just love. The dialect is perfect. In general Jamaica is awesome anyway. The food. The women. The weather. But that accent? Incredible. If you've ever played Grand Theft Auto 4, you'd understand why Little Jacob is my favorite character in that game. Don't you ever stop being Jamaica, Jamaica.

10. Military
There will always be much love and appreciation for the men and women of the United States military. That goes without saying. But my appreciation extends to all men and women around the world in their country's respective military. To have the bravery and commitment that they do is downright admirable. This even goes for countries that either don't like us or I simply don't like (like *REDACTED*. To hell with that place). What you do is great, and you have my respect.

Monday, March 28, 2016

Zero Faith

On February 20th, 2016, right in the Dorchester neighborhood of Boston, 16-year-old Amari Pope stabbed and killed 15-year-old Deon Hopkins. Pope's girlfriend and Hopkins were arguing, which led to Pope going home, grabbing a knife, and stabbing Hopkins.

On September 10th, 2015, right in the Roxbury neighborhood of Boston, 32-year-old Zachary Pinnick was found dead after being found suffering from gunshot wounds. He was on his way to see his sister at the time of the shooting. The killer has not been found

On May 3rd, 2013, right in the Roxbury neighborhood of Boston, 23-year-old Mibsam Wiggins and 22-year-old Tremayne Jackson were both shot and killed as they were waiting in a parked car in a Walgreens parking lot. The killer has not been found.

Four lives gone for no good reason. This happens often in these neighborhoods. Dorchester. Roxbury. Mattapan. Lives gone. Usually young lives. People have been calling for peace since forever, trying to put an end to the perpetual cycle of violence. You'll see walks, or protests, or prayer services. You'll see programs were you can turn in guns, consequence-free. People just want the violence to end.

It won't end. Ever.

I have no faith in the inner city getting it together. I have no faith that these walks or protests or anything else will ever change things. We must do better, but no one wants to actually do better. This vicious street lifestyle will continue until the earth is no more. And that's pretty scary.

Of the four lives I mentioned, I knew two of them. And one of those two I used to live with for a short time. It saddens me that they are gone. It saddens me further in the way they passed. Kids are getting into this lifestyle at younger and younger ages. I would love to say "it'll get better", but I'd be lying my ass off. It's going to get worse, or at the absolute best, it'll stay exactly the same. I hate to be this pessimistic about this, but I have zero faith, and nothing has given me a reason for optimism.

And even worse, a lot of the killings (either rightfully or not) will be linked to black people. Now I know that there's a chance that there were other races involved in the murders in the inner city, but I'd bet money that some of them were black. And as I've mentioned in the past, these killers would be all about Black Lives Matter and then go end a black life. Only blacks are allowed to kill blacks, they'd say (most likely). We need to do better, but doing better is hard, they'd also probably say.

Zero faith.
And why should I have faith? Just because?