Thursday, April 28, 2016

The Internal Conflict

I've mentioned about four previous times in this blog about being single. I'm about to make it five, but this time I need to go a little more in depth.

"You're such a great guy. Why/how are you single?"

I absolutely hate that loaded question. It's a stupid question. I especially hate when single women ask it. Makes me rage.

You wanna know why I'm single? I'll give you four main reasons:
  • A majority of women don't want a great guy. Or rather, they want a great guy that looks great and has a six-pack and has a great job and a car and their own house and... I could go on forever.
  • I'm ugly. That statement has nothing to do with low self-esteem, either. It's just the truth. This goes hand in hand with point one. It's all physical attraction nowadays. If women started looking beyond the physical just once and realize that I'm literally the greatest human of all time, I probably wouldn't be writing this post.
  • I don't feel like having to work at least twice as hard as the good looking guy. I shouldn't have to. But they'd rather have a shitty, sexy guy rather than a good, ugly guy.
  • I'm painfully honest. That's not liked these days either. I will tell you that you look like crap in that dress. I'd rather be honest than to protect feelings. Protecting feelings literally equals lying. Can't do it. Won't do it.
I need to expand a little on that 2nd point. The "ugly" thing. This is something that I've known for a very long time. There was a point in time where I was very self-conscious about my looks. But that was when I was 14 or 15. Since then, I've accepted it. And yet, I've become what I (and some people) believe to be a great person. People have called me "handsome", which then makes me go "...really?" If you truly, truly believe that, then I respect you having an opinion. But your opinion is wrong. Stupid, really.

But there seems to be in internal struggle starting to happen. A struggle between being single and not being single anymore. It has never manifested to this level ever. And I have no idea how to fix it. I do and don't want to be in the relationship. And I don't have the mental makeup for the "sow your wild oats" thing. It sucks. I feel like a can't do the OKCupid thing. My profile would be full of so much asshole-filled sarcasm it would break the website. And I feel like I'd have to be a different person on a date. I'm not saying that this would be completely true, but it's likely.

July 17th, 2015 was a great day because it proved that it's totally possible that someone, somehow would somewhat like me for me (although, alcohol). But it's so sporadic when those opportunities arise. And yes, going out more would also help, and I am working on that. And I'm going to do some losing-weight activities this summer because, potato chips. And I need to be a healthier person for any potential significant other. I get that. But even when (I said when, not if!) I lose that weight, my face will still be my face. The face your God gave me. Take it up with him. In the meantime, we'll see what happens. I stay single, great.  A girl comes and changes my earth, great. I'm prepared either way.

Am I?

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